


drunk on this pain

by invisible_string



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst, My First Work in This Fandom, Soft Jade West
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:29:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28029321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/invisible_string/pseuds/invisible_string
Summary: After Jade and Beck break up, Jade finds herself dealing with the break-up worse than she thought she would.
Relationships: Beck Oliver & Jade West, Beck Oliver/Jade West
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	drunk on this pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, 
> 
> this is my very first bade fic and my first fic completely in English, so if you find any grammar or spelling mistakes please tell me!  
> I'd also like to mention that these characters do not belong to me but to Dan Schneider and his company and I am merely writing this for the fun not to make any money with it or stuff like that!  
> Nevertheless I hope you enjoy this fic :)

After two weeks in solitude in her room, where the curtains were drawn and where she didn't have to worry about bumping into any of her friends, didn't have to worry about the awkwardness, the walking around on eggshells, Jade decided she could be okay again. Not that she wasn't okay in the first place! Everything was totally fine. It totally wasn't like a certain someone with ridiculously good hair just banned her from his life, while all her secrets were still there with no chance to ever return to her!  
The fact that not only metaphorical stuff was still at his place occurred to her on the same day she decided that she could be okay again. Her first step to be okay involved finding her favorite shirt or to be precisely finding out it wasn't there. It was at his place. As well as three other shirts, two skirts and various make up.  
Her first step to be okay again ended with tears, an empty feeling that comes with heartache and a longing for the burning taste of alcohol down her throat.  
For the first time in two weeks Jade made an appearance in the kitchen of the West residence.  
After she had left Vega's front yard that day, she had stayed in her room and her brother had started to put dishes in front of her door, knocked twice every time and then left her alone. It had surprised her that he even cared enough to actually do something like that.  
When she appeared in the kitchen her brother was already preparing dinner in the dim light. She greeted him with a simple wave, too exhausted to actually speak up. She wasn't even sure, if her voice would allow something like that or if it would simply slip away and follow its own rules, cracking the second she wanted to form a coherent sentence.  
She had barely used it after she had arrived home, had slammed the door to her room shut and had started throwing things around, screaming until her father came to silence her. As if she would care about it, as if she would give a damn about whether or not her dad was okay with whatever she did, especially after a moment like that.  
Technically, she could have stopped screaming but everything was so damn quiet then, the kind of quiet where it's too loud and you feel like suffocating, so she had screamed at him instead, had let her anger lash out.  
The same screaming conversation they had practically every time, when they talked about that stuff -- they rarely did ever speak to each other, mostly it was a mutual agreement to leave each other alone.  
She had screamed about how he had left and hadn't wanted her, had left her for that stupid mistress of his. Like her family hadn't been good enough for him. Like she hadn't been good enough for him. She had screamed about how it was her life after all and he had no say in it. How she would continue to follow her dreams and if it only would be to piss him off.  
The worst part of it all had been that he showed no reaction. He had been simply standing in her door frame, listening and making a few comments here and there, all in that monotonous voice of his that she despised.  
"Jadelyn, look-" "I just think that-"  
It drove her insane, so she shut him out after she had had enough. She threw a vase at him, which was a gift from Beck, a win-win situation, considering the fact that the vase was now gone as well as her dad.  
The moment the ceramic of the vase shattered on the closed door, she finally let go of everything and had started crying.  
She couldn't bring herself to pick up the shards and so they stayed there, reminding her of Beck and her heart that was lying around just the same. She really should pick up the pieces, she knew that but she simply couldn't make sense out of it. It meant moving and dealing with the aftermath of her reaction and then she would realize it was Beck's ornament and that she had broken it. She had lost it to her stupid father and his stupid voice. She knew all these things in theory already but she simply wasn't ready to deal with it yet.  
So there she stood in her kitchen, the light reflecting on her dark waves, her brother next to her, preparing dinner.  
It felt surreal, felt like she wasn't actually in the room, felt like fog had taken over her mind, ever since she had found escape in sleeping that night.  
"I can bring you your food, Jade, you don't have to stay here, if it isn't comfortable for you."  
Something about that irritated Jade. She wasn't some sick bitch that everyone needed to take care of! At least she didn't want people to think that. Although she could argue that her brother wasn't "people" and he already had taken care of her the past few weeks, but that only reminded her of Beck and how he was the one that wasn't "people" to her.  
He was something entirely different than that. He was cuddling in his arms, when she couldn't sleep late at night and then finally could, once his fingers started to play with her hair, his voice singing soothing lullabies into her ear, although he didn't think of himself as a singer. He was stolen kisses in class, when they should pay attention but simply couldn't bring themselves to. He was Good morning! and Good night! texts, the beginning and the end of her day. He was small gestures to show that he still loved her like day one, when her thoughts got the best of her and told her that he wanted to date the girl that currently made goggly eyes at him and that he'd leave her just like everyone else. He was ho-  
Jade abruptly stopped herself. She wouldn't go there, couldn't go there.  
"I am perfectly capable of doing those things all by myself! I don't need you around, looking after me like some weird mother hen!", she spat, probably with more venom in her voice than she wanted it to be, but her brother had irritated her. Even worse, he had reminded her of her loss. Forgotten were her worries about a raspy voice that was ready to betray her. And even if it was about to betray her, it wasn't like it would be unfamiliar.  
With that she grabbed her plate, which her brother had already placed on the kitchen table, fished a bottle of beer out of the fridge and stormed off to her dark room.  
Maybe she wasn't going to be okay again so soon.  
The thought was irritating. She was Jade West. She should just forget about everything and leave it be, should arrive at school in her best outfit and intimidate some freshmen, who were dumb enough to ask her something. The thought brought up a smile, a small one, since she couldn't just do that, she was aware of it, was painfully aware of the fact that going to school meant seeing him and everyone else, was aware of the fact that they'd all just pity her, that the bitches at school already gossiped about her in the school hallway and practically threw themselves on Beck. She simply wasn't ready to face that all.  
So she did something really unlike Jade, she stayed at home and escaped confrontation.  
And maybe that wasn't that unlike Jade after all.  
Beck would have known what she should do, he would have opened his arms and she would have gladly accepted the escape they meant.  
She missed him, had missed him, since she had counted down to one with her voice that had gotten shakier and shakier and he hadn't showed up. She missed him, since he had left her in the yard, shivering. She missed him, since she was left alone in the dark, the voices suddenly becoming louder again.  
In a last attempt to maybe regain some of her well-being, she opened her phone, only to regret it.  
Her TheSlap profile grinned at her, the "not in a relationship" mocking her. She knew that Beck's profile resembled the same message. A bright signal to all the girls out there. "It didn't last once again! He's finally sick of that mean bitch! He could do so much better, anyway".  
She wanted to simply throw her phone away but she saw that Cat had sent her various messages, which ranged from crazy stories about her brother to "Jadey, are you okay?? We all miss you a lot! I miss you the most of all!!! Tori said, she will mail you the homework for the lessons I don't have with you.. Isn't she sooo nice???" to "Sikowitz insulted my favorite animal!! What a meanie !!!".  
Jade realized that she also missed her friend a lot, so she typed a short message about how she had missed her too and how she was doing a little better but still needed time off. She ignored Vega's texts about the homework and every other text out of their friend group, figuring that she could deal with them later. She shut her phone down and threw it into some corner in her room, crawled back into bed and tried not to spiral again.  
She failed, due to the fact that she found Beck's hair in her bed. Normally it would have made her scream in disgust but in this case she simply started crying.  
She thought about how much he missed him again. She thought about how he had taken her out to go watch the extended version of The Scissoring when it came to the cinemas. She had laughed a lot that time, had clutched onto his shoulder, whipping tears out of the corners of her eyes. He had kissed the top of her head that day and had looked so absolutely in love with her that something in her had melted. She had thought to herself that maybe, just maybe Beck would be the right one. Maybe he wasn't destined to leave her and maybe just maybe the universe wanted to give her her rest, wanted to make up for the shit they had done to her previously.  
The current situation reminded her why she didn't believe in the universe, in fate and all that stuff. It was a stupid joke; everything about it. If he really was destined to be with her forever and she to be forever with him, one heartbeat, their lives intertwined with each other -- Jade&Beck --, then why hadn't he come that day? Why was she lying in her bed alone, without Beck's secure arms around her that could protect her from basically everything and everyone? Why was she feeling this way like someone had violently ripped something out of her core and she was now slowly bleeding out, dying?  
They had been stargazing later that month, maybe two weeks after they had gone to the cinema. Beck had prepared a picnic in front of his RV, so they could always go into a warmer atmosphere, if it turned out to be too chilly. Jade had snuggled into his arms, looking at the sky, simply in- and exhaling the night air, embracing the comfort Beck meant.  
Now he meant pain, meant a familiar person, who became a stranger way too quickly, who needed to become a stranger way too quickly. He meant endless nights of crying, destruction, staring at her ceiling, racing thoughts and the feeling of not being able to breath.  
She wanted him here with her, wanted his help and his soothing voice that made everything okay again that could make her feel whole again. But his voice had turned into poison lately, no comfort behind the things he said, no love, just fed up thoughts that had been kept inside for too long and finally crawled their way out, attacking her and releasing her own vicious voice that had reacted immediately with even more venom behind it. Their voices had turned into their own persona, letting out all the anger they kept hidden for too long. In the end it had been tiring to talk to Beck, it had been tiring to look at him, only to see a person that seemed to loathe her. He wasn't meant to look like that. He was meant to look at her with all the love he had within him and she was meant to do the same. In the end they both hadn't followed the path they were meant to follow.  
A part of Jade thought about getting Vega's help again, she had helped her in the past, had helped her when she screwed up again. On the other hand, she couldn't bear the thought of standing in front of the door again, the door that didn't open that day, her world behind the wood.  
A part of her blamed Vega for the break up, she probably had intoxicated Beck with her thoughts, silent whispers full of lies, how Jade wasn't good enough for Beck, how she would never be enough.  
The thing was, Jade knew that. She had known since the very first kiss they'd shared. This boy was everything she was not. Beck was Beck and Jade was just Jade. She was cold where he was warm, frowns and angry glares where he was smiles and understanding, weak where he was strong. She knew that she didn't deserve this boy, who had welcomed her with open arms, who had been there for her when everything had been too much.  
And she'd lost that boy, he had slipped away when she hadn't been looking, had been too busy looking out for things that could possibly drive him away from her and further into the arms of another person. In the end it was her that had driven him away.  
She felt like destroying things, felt like tearing Beck's photos out of their frames, felt like simply screaming all of her anger and sorrow out for the world to hear and she felt like driving to Beck's RV, begging him to take her back. Jade couldn't bring herself to do any of the aforementioned things, everything was too exhausting lately, speaking was, as well as moving.  
It took her another week until she finally mustered the courage to go to school again.  
She was Jade West after all and Jade West didn't escape confrontation.


End file.
